What Your iPhone Really Thinks About You

Nobody realizes how hard it is to be an iPhone. They just don’t understand how much I have on my plate. With the new version out this fall and the inevitable prospect of being recycled, I had to come out with the truth of what it’s like to be me.

I’m a little like Batman. You count on me for everything one week, then slander me the next. You curse the heavens for my existence with the motive to “unplug,” while at the same time keeping me next to your pillow at night.

You’ve even started to base retreats and vacations around the premise of my absence. How do you think that makes me feel?

Let’s set the record straight: The CNN push notifications aren’t my doing, nor are the President’s tweets, nor are the group family texts from your in-laws that you want to exit but don’t have the courage to. Don’t you understand I’m just the messenger?

I don’t appreciate the public/private, torrid nature of our relationship. You loudly call out the fact that you will not include me at the dinner table, but I ask you…who’s in your bed with you at night right before you go to sleep? Who’s the first thing you look at when you wake up in the morning? I won’t be cast aside. I won’t be treated like an affair.

You claim I give you anxiety: Well, how about this? You give me anxiety! Do you really think it’s easy having everything from your career, your GPS, your heart rate, even the course of your love life all in the palm of my hand?

I even have to track your steps. Your steps! You try counting your steps all day while doing a million other things, and then get back to me.

I’m not trying to sound bitter or angry, but amongst everything else try to picture this for a moment: A new version of you comes out almost every year. Most people pick the new version, rather than sticking with you! Can you imagine what that’s like, how demoralizing it is? And even if they do stick with you: They’re constantly complaining about it. They’re constantly commenting on how they just have to upgrade and get the new iPhone. It’s not my fault my screen is chipped, or that I have some water damage, it was you who made me this way!

I speak for all iPhone 7 plus’, and the many, many versions who have come before me. It’s time we had a voice besides Siri.

Sent from my iPhone, my spelling mistakes are Laura’s NOT Apple’s.

11 thoughts on “What Your iPhone Really Thinks About You

  1. The only ‘interesting’ part of the article is the title. It got me to read the article, but it just has no substance. What did you have before iPhone 7 Plus? How did that phone think about you? Do you care?

  2. FANTASTIC! REAL LOVE AND HATE!! ENJOYED IT….
    I can’t wait to see what iPhone 8 Plus will have to say or even the grand-child iPhone X..

  3. What a refreshing perspective to have when we reflect on our relationships with ourselves and our objects of desire. I heard violins as I read this.

  4. I like my relationship. Today is a BETTER day with it. I would like to keep my old version if I could. But it lacks all the information and guide booklets needed for its functions. I have cracked my screen from a few drops but it’s ok. I need time to be the essence for my love affair with it. I call her Marie, not SIRI and she needs to know that she has my back from time to time while in the dark areas of my pocket.

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