Comedian Carrie Keagan

Carrie Keagan is the ballsy, in-your-face kind of woman we all wish we could be. She tells it like it is, peppering her speech with a veritable treasure trove of curse words. We sat down with the comedian and star of the new Celebrity Apprentice (which, let’s be honest, is pretty timely right now) to talk about everything including her favorite curse word, why she quit soda, and why she’s not afraid to criticize the president-elect. Read below for her answers; you’re about to be seriously inspired to be a bolder you in 2017. Let’s just say that whenever we need a dose of confidence, we’ll be trying to channel Keagan…

From start to finish, what would be your ideal food day?

Breakfast would be Avo Toast and a My Way Smoothie at Two Hands in NY. And there would be no line! There’s always a line when I go there, but on my ideal food day there would be no line!

Lunch at Veggie Grill in Los Angeles for a Crispy Grains and Greens Salad and a side of Buffalo Wings. I’m from Buffalo, and I swear these wings are better than the real thing!

Dinner at Dirt Candy in New York City would start with DC Picklebacks and end with Korean Fried Broccoli and Broccoli Hot Dogs. I didn’t even know you could do anything other than steam broccoli until I went to this place. Now I’m addicted.

Do you think we as a society should be less censored? Why or why not?

Yes. I think society would benefit from being way less censored. Otherwise, we’re doing ourselves a great disservice. Censorship is what is stopping so many conversations from happening that really need to be had! I think we DO need to be more respectful of one another. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. It’s okay if we disagree, but we should always fucking talk about it. I have a theory that I discuss in my book about people needing to connect with their profane side. I’m not just talking about swearing. I’m talking about the vulgarity, blasphemy and sacrilege that fill our lives every day and paint the complete picture of who we are, and not who we pretend to be. I believe profanity is paramount. Profanity is truth. Profanity is reality. I think it’s critical to be in touch with the profane side of yourself in order to maintain inner balance. You’ve got to let the light and dark mix or your life is a lie. That’s why I never trust anyone who says they don’t swear.

Would you say you have a limit in terms of personal unfiltered rhetoric? If so, what is it?

If you’re asking me whether my arsenal of cursing cluster-bombs is limited in supply, then I would have to say that the extent to which I am able to light up the sky with a verbal fireworks display is only limited by my imagination and the onset of lockjaw!

Your book coming out this month reveals a lot of “Hollywood trenches” tales. Could you give us one outrageous memory with a Hollywood celeb for this interview?

Well…there was the time I spent an entire interview talking to Justin Timberlake about his dick…but you’ll have to read the book to find out what happened.

What’s it like when you’re about to be on Celebrity Apprentice, in light of the recently election results?

It’s, actually, kinda sad and weird…Nothing against Arnold [Schwarzenegger] but I would have much rather preferred to have Trump playing pretend as the goofy host of a silly, fun reality show than, actually, pretending to be the President of the United States. That way the only things in danger of getting hurt are the egos of a bunch of celebrities instead of the lives and well-being of tens of millions of innocent people. On the bright side, if there is one, at least, now he’s working for me! If he fucks it up, he’s fired!

Can you tell us something interesting about Arnold we don’t know already?

Arnold told me that he didn’t like that he had to fire someone every episode without really getting to know them properly, so he invited the entire cast up to his house for dinner one night. That’s where I met his mini horse, Whiskey! It was cool enough being surrounded by Terminator paraphernalia, but then I get to play with a mini horse? Best night ever!

What advice would you give to young women, discouraged by what happened in the election?

Never give up. Never surrender. We women are born to fight. We’ve been used as accessories, treated like luggage, and owned like property. We have never had anything handed to us that we didn’t have to earn either before or after receiving it. There is a quote in my book that perfectly sums up our struggle; we are the living embodiment of the Japanese proverb, “Fall down seven times, get up eight.” Every success we achieve is an exercise in pure will. The fight isn’t over, ladies. We have to stick together now, more than ever.

What’s your go-to curse word? Any that should never be said?

Cock juggling thunder cunt is my favorite curse word. I guess it’s more of a phrase, but if you say it fast enough it sort of turns into one long word, with one very vivid visual.

I don’t find any word to be offensive. It’s really all about the intent behind them. But I do believe that there are certain words like the N-word and the six letter F-word that come with baggage that is inherently violent and oppressive so I choose not to use them. Besides, I curse out of love not hate! I do, wholeheartedly, support the reclamation of those words by the cultures they have oppressed. Nothing diminishes their sinister bite like the kick in the teeth of re-appropriation.

How do you practice beauty from the inside out? 

I gave up soda. I took a trip to Australia last Christmas and my whole routine changed. I didn’t even realize that I was drinking a Diet Coke or two every single day until it wasn’t around me anymore. I drink mostly water now. I can clearly see the difference in my skin. After that, I removed the acrylic nails I had for ten years and let my real nails grow out. I also took off the hair extensions I used to wear. I’m so much happier and freer now. I feel more beautiful without all the junk!

What are your morning and nightly beauty routines?

In the morning, I wash my face with my Spa Sonic brush. It wakes me up and removes anything I missed the night before. I use Cetaphil lotion with a few drops Frankincense essential oil on my face and neck. I love the smell and I swear it’s a miracle healer. I shower with Joico Violet Shampoo and Rene Furterer Karite Intense conditioner. I have to wash my face at night, even if it’s just with a Neutrogena night calming towelette. I brush my teeth with a Philips Sonicare toothbrush because I’m usually exhausted and it does all the work for me.

How do you always start your day? What’s your go to breakfast?

I always start my day surrounded by my three fur babies: Moo, Le Singe and Fluffy. I check emails and social media before I get out of bed. On busy mornings I make sourdough toast with Earth Balance butter and Vegemite or a blueberry banana chocolate smoothie. If I have time, I’ll go for a hike or to the boxing gym and then cook a veggie fry up with broccoli, potatoes, tomatoes, onions, mushrooms and kale.

What is the app you can’t live without and why?

I am on Instagram all day, every day. It’s how I keep up with my friends and family…and all those celebrity pets! It’s how I get inspired. There are so many talented photographers, painters, dancers and poets out there. I feel like a voyeur sometimes, but I find new favorites every time I log in. It’s how I relax. I just zone out looking at pretty things…or oddly satisfying things like watching a knife cut through a brightly colored, perfectly shaped mounded of magic sand. I cannot explain the pure joy I get from looking at the things people post.

What are your favorite cities for food? What restaurants do you go to in each?

I spend most of my time in NY and LA, so obviously I eat the most there too. In LA, I go to Crossroads Kitchen for the Scaloppini Parmesan and Artichoke Oysters if I want something a little more upscale, and Tender Greens or Cuvée for a quick lunch.

In NY, I love the Spicy Mag and Green Machine rolls at Beyond Sushi. Or for a quick energizer, I always get tons of extra S’rug hot sauce for my falafel sandwich at Taim Falafel. If I’m not sweating while I’m eating, I’m doing it wrong. I do all my best drinking at Rochelle’s and Wise Men in LES and Seamstress in Upper East Side.

Where do you love to travel? What won’t you travel without?

I love to travel. Period. I don’t care where I go! Put me in a car for a long road trip with great music blaring or a train across the country with amazing views of the country or a beach in the Caribbean with a minty mojito. I love seeing how other people live. Smelling and tasting different parts of the world are how I connect with people. Traveling without a good pair of headphones is like torture to me. I have two pairs of Bose, the SoundSports for running around and talking on the phone, and the over the ear kind when I want to get lost in my own world. When you have headphones on you get to choose who you interact with.

Who do you swear you were in a past life? Why?

I think, perhaps, I was Sweetums from The Muppets in a past life. At least that’s who I am in my dreams.

Is there a celebrity you’ve worked with that you’ve become very good friends with, and it surprised you? Who was it?

Chef Chris Santos (Food Network’s Chopped, Beauty & Essex, Vandal) and I met when he came on my VH1 morning show a few years ago. He was a pretty low-key guy who took his food very seriously. I honestly wasn’t sure what to make of him. I don’t think he smiled once before we went live. When he rolled up the arms of his shirt so he wouldn’t get food on them, I saw his full sleeves of tattoos and realized he’s not your mama’s TV chef! We started talking about 80’s metal music and whisky and before you know it we were saying YES to everything! Late night hangs, restaurant openings, charity events, tv show pilots, you name it! He quickly became one of my favorite people in this world. Always generous, always kind and always cooking up something amazing!

What’s the issue you feel most passionately about right now?

With everything going on right now, politically, I have many things I’m concerned about but top of mind would have to be women’s reproductive rights. There is no question that under the Trump administration, it’s going to be all out war on this most critical women’s issue. Trump’s election, in conjunction with a Republican controlled Congress, 33 GOP governors and an open seat on the Supreme Court, which Trump has vowed to appoint a pro-life justice to, has the potential to unleash a tsunami of horseshit all over the future of reproductive rights in the U.S. It’ll start with restricting abortion access and I wouldn’t be surprised if they took a run at overturning Roe v Wade. Planned Parenthood is, more than likely, going to lose its government funding; funding that helps women obtain birth control, as well as STD testing and treatment, cancer screening and pre-natal services. There are lives on the line and there’s no time to fuck around. We have our work cut out for us and we have to be vigilant and forthright in our efforts to stifle their plans. A vagina is not a political football for these politicians to kick and I will do everything in my power to protect us from these punts!

What would your last meal be? Who would it be with?

I would want something cooked at home by my mom that I’d eat surrounded by my family. My mom is a great cook! She always whips up something amazing and acts like it was no big deal. I would sip Yamazaki 12-yr Japanese whisky with my dad and gobble up mom’s molasses cookies with my brother and sister and their kids.

What’s the best advice you’ve been given? The worst?

My business partner once told me, “If you see a giant wave coming toward you, don’t get scared and try to swim away, just dive right into it.”

The worst advice I ever got was from Gene Simmons when he told me I should do my interviews topless.

In the same vein as what is the new black in fashion, what’s the new potato right now?

Cursing is the new potato! In and of itself, cursing is not racist, sexist, classist, or any other “ist”. It belongs to all of us. It’s the language of the people. It’s so versatile. It goes with any outfit or meal. It can calm you when you’re upset, heal you when you’re in pain and celebrate with you when you’re happy. And the best part of all it is DIY!

But for those who need a little extra help creating the perfectly unique curse word to fit your every mood, may I suggest using my new state-of-the-art swear word generator, which you will conveniently find in my book Everybody Curses, I Swear! Happy fucking cursing, you beautiful ass punting fuck clowns!

Check ut these interviews with TRL’s LaLa Anthony and America’s Got Talent’s Mel B.

*Carrie Keagan, photographed at Fish Cheeks in New York, NY by Danielle Kosann