Already Tired of Your ‘Detox?’

It was Sunday night and you promised yourself over and over that a half portion of grilled chicken or sea bass would be the most decadent thing you’d eat this week. If you were in an avocado or kale’s shoes, this would be your week to smugly shine after being tossed aside for turkey, decadent desserts and cold stuffing leftovers. The vegetables’ thought process this week is something like: They thought they were happy without us, content without us, better without us…but now they’ve come crawling back (insert evil vegetable laugh here).

And here lies you. You wait helplessly for that Friday night light at the end of the tunnel, that light otherwise known as the version of you whose pants fit just a little better than they do today, consuming pommes frites, or a great burger, or a Motorino pizza (take your pick), proud to be back to square one after your week of model-food-behavior. But that moment seems so far away now as you sit at your desk and think ‘I have four more days of this…fuck‘.

It was so easy yesterday in your full post-thanksgiving fervor, when you thought you could keep the yogurt-salad-grilled fish regimen going forever and ever. Alas that conviction – just like your conviction that there was no way Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert would ever break up – is proving to slip further and further away.

Well my potato-head friend, in the words of The Beatles, “I am he as you are he as you are me. And we are all together.” In other words, we’re all in the same frigging boat this morning, and that boat’s a hangry one…real hangry.

The good news is, my Mom always told me everything in moderation, so I decided to give you a three-and-a-half day food guide this week of what to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner to make you feel balanced, healthy yet still satisfied. I wrote it down yesterday while in a hangry state after my lunchtime kale salad…kale seems so drab to me now after having lunchtime affairs with leftover sweet potato pie and turkey legs. But, as my Mom also says, life isn’t always fair…

Today

Breakfast: You may have already had something (either a model-behavior yogurt or an I-fell-off-the-wagon-bagel) but if you haven’t, try making Erin Heatherton’s poached eggs on avocado toast, or go to Juice Press and grab some on-the-go chia seed pudding.

Lunch: Postmates Dimes and get the black rice bowl with seared tuna.

Dinner: Make this hempseed encrusted grouper – it’s guilt free and delicious.

Wednesday (the hump to get over)

Breakfast: Make Kris Carr’s all-day-energy smoothie. No, it’s not your Mom’s post-thanksgiving banana pancakes but it will leave you feeling full, cleansed and perky.

Lunch: Postmates or Seamless the avocado dosa from Hampton Chutney Co.!

Dinner: Make spaghetti squash with tomato, spinach, and garlic from Elizabeth Stein. Not into squash? No problem. Try this swordfish with peach relish.

Thursday (almost there)

Breakfast: Make the perfect oatmeal (from your perfect potato heads).

Lunch: Postmates the grains bowl from Jacks Wife Freda. It’s our favorite!

Dinner: Make this healthy chicken Parmesan. Yes, it does exist.

Friday (just two more meals)

Breakfast: Make this amazing blueberry smoothie bowl, or delicious overnight oats!

Lunch: Go out with a bang and order the quinoa taco salad from by CHLOE!

Dinner: WHATEVER YOUR POTATO-HEAD HEART DESIRES

Till your next ‘detox’.

From your favorite hanger-monger,

– Laura Kosann

Read our take on Fall food limbo or find out what happened when Laura tried to meditate.