25 Seinfeld Quotes for 25 Situations

We are – without a doubt – some of the biggest Seinfeld fans you’ll find. Seriously, it’s in our DNA, and has probably been responsible for anything funny we’ve said on this website, (or to you in person if you know us) ever. In light of the show’s twenty-five-year anniversary, we thought of twenty-five situations that would warrant twenty-five Seinfeld quotes. Why, you ask? What’s the point of that? Well, essentially it’s a post about nothing. A post about nothing…I think we may have something here.

1. You’re a diamond dealer. “They’re real, and they’re spectacular!” 

2. You’re convincing friends it wasn’t you who overcooked the burgers at a BBQ. “I was in the pool!”

3. You’re a very disappointed Brazil fan (too soon?) “You gotta support the team.”

4. You’re a waiter at a David Chang restaurant and a customer asks about menu substitutions. “No soup for you!”

5. You’re trying to change the conversation at an awkward dinner. “Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?” 

6. You just finished a juice cleanse. “If I don’t get a black and white cookie, I’m not going to be very pleasant to be around.”

7. You’re discussing Brangelina adopting another kid. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that!”

8. Your name is George, you’re unemployed and you live with your parents: “Hi, my name is George, I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.”

9. You’ve really run out of things to talk about on a second date. “Why can’t dip be a meal? I don’t get stuff like that.” 

10. You’re on the subway in the summer. “Serenity now!”

11. You take ‘surfing with your bros’ way too seriously. “The sea was angry that day my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.”

12. You’re overdoing it at Juice Press“Another round of strawberry for me and my friends!”

13. You’re talking to the Uruguayan soccer player Luis Suarez. “It’s hard to believe, with so much biting experience, a person could still make a mistake like that.”

14. Someone just dumped you and you sent a really bizarre drunken text. “You could drape yourself in velvet for all I care.”

15. You have a friend named Jerry and you just found some gold.“That’s gold Jerry, gold!”*

16. You’re a total weirdo on Match.com and this is your “occupation.” “Vandalay Industries!”

17. You’re Dominique Ansel and you’ve recently delved into fashion. “How about the Mansiere?” 

18. Reassuring things you tell yourself when you’re watching Real Housewives. “Remember, it’s not a lie, if you believe it.” 

19. You’re at your local bodega. “The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry…I don’t know what’s going on with the papayas!” 

20. You’re a deutschy guy talking to your friend that just moved in with his girlfriend. “Are you still, Master of your domain?”

21. You’re inventing a backstory for Pig Pen in Peanuts Gang. “His mother was a mudder.”

22. You’re talking about a celebrity couples’ newborn – and oddly named – baby. “Poor little pinkus…”

23. You just watched Property Brothers and you’re talking to your friend Jerry. “Levels Jerry! I want to build these different levels…with steps.”*

24. You need help. “It’s 3AM and I’m at a cock fight…what am I clinging to?”

25. It’s December, and you’re way too big of a Seinfeld fan. “A Festivus for the rest of us!”

*We’re aware we copped out on a few of these, and that you most likely don’t have a friend named Jerry.