Five New Year’s Resolutions We Never Keep

1. Going Gluten Free: You eat out six days a week, if you truly analyzed your diet you’d see that 84% is comprised of wheat (and maybe cronuts), your favorite restaurant is Carbone, and yet you’ve somehow convinced yourself that 2014 will be free from gluten. Sound familiar New Yorkers? We don’t mean to be discouraging, but if you last 72 hours on this resolution The New Potato will send you a sack of new potatoes. Oh wait…is there gluten in those?

2. To “unplug.” So many of us digitally savvy peeps make a vow to “make time to unplug” next year, which assumedly means turning off one’s phone, iPad, and computer for hour intervals at a time. Essentially though, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, blogs and websites are to the 21st century what the postal service was to the 18th century. And as Newman on Seinfeld would say, “The mail never stops!” so why should the internet…ever? Think of what you could be missing if you turn off your phone for just five minutes a day in 2014. That’s thirty hours of…

– Scandal musings

– Controversial Miley Instagrams

– YouTube videos of goats singing with Taylor Swift

– Vine video Wrecking Ball parodies

– Misled Justin Bieber tweets

– Jimmy Fallon/Justin Timberlake SNL recaps

– A new pop-up from Banksy

– Grumpy cat memes

– Sloths dressed in PJ’s (Okay, this one we’d maybe unplug for)

– The tenth one is obviously updates from The New Potato. Duh.

3. To join a gym. Flywheel, SoulCycle, Pure Barre, Ballet Beautiful, Barry’s Bootcamp, Warrior Fitness, Aqua Studio, Cycle Bar, Modo Yoga, Torque Cycling and Fitness, Broadway Dance Center, Brooklyn Bridge Boot Camp, Pure Yoga, Metcon 3, P90X, Physique57, Crossfit…you get the picture. Is there such thing as “a gym” anymore?

4. Do a juice cleanse. Please refer to Laura’s 3-day juice cleanse.

5. Try Something New Every Day. Let’s be real, if you have a full-time job, this is a hard resolution to keep for a full year. On top of that, is your city and its inhabitants built for this kind of resolution? Let’s take NYC for example. What new things could native New Yorkers do that they haven’t done before? Or more importantly, what new things haven’t native New Yorkers done that they’d actually want to do? Go to the Statue of Liberty? (awkward pause) Here’s a few more things native New Yorkers are sure to NOT try for the first time in 2014…

– Go to the Today Show and stand outside with signs (that’s what those people are doing right?)

– Go to Times Square post 5pm

– Take a boat ride around Manhattan

– Go to a Mcdonald’s IN Manhattan (We’d actually like to try this one)

– Go to the top of the Empire State Building (unless it’s to meet our own personal Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle, this one may not have a chance.)

*Stay tuned Thursday for resolutions from some of our favorite tastemakers!