We won’t act like we’re on time to the juice cleansing party. It’s been done, many times, and as a food and lifestyle website we’re quite late; we get it. I’d say the delay has been both out of fear and dread. Part of us has always felt we had to try one at some point; the other part equivocates a juice cleanse to filling five cavities in one sitting, to going to The Hard Rock Cafe, to walking through Times Square on a Saturday…you get the picture.
Some of you may be reading this and responding with a defiant “Oh no they didn’t.” We are, after all, The New Potato girls. Our brand is named after a starch for crying out loud. How could we attempt a juice cleanse? Others may have been waiting for this – curious even, whether we are the “juice cleanse types.” Whatever your response is, lend us your support through this most troubling of times. That’s right, 1/2 of The New Potato (I, Laura Kosann) took one for the team and purchased a three-day juice cleanse.
Just to give you an idea of the success of this juice cleanse, I’ll say one thing: If you’re reading this to learn HOW to do a juice cleanse, or to be inspired by the process and to delve into one yourself…turn back now.
It’s only 8am and I’ve already convinced myself I’m feeling weak and delirious. As I sip the first juice, I look into the mirror decrepitly like Emile Hirsche starving in Into the Wild.
For the first sip of the sugarless kale, parsley and romaine mulch, I thought ‘All right I can do this.’ The second, ‘These three days will go by fast and I’ll be glowing by the end of it.’ The third, ‘I’m not even sure I’m clear on what glowing means.’ The fourth, ‘Holy crap why didn’t I pick the cleanse with the cashew milk? Is this a way to live? As a 24-year-old girl aren’t you supposed to make every day count??’ No, you didn’t accidentally skip ahead; this has all happened by 8:30am of Day One.
I can barely finish the second juice. It’s like seaweed water. Kathie Lee and Hoda eating ribs has never looked this enticing. Lisa Kudrow’s Yoplait commercial nearly sends me over the edge.
By the afternoon, I’m forced to go out into the real world and my thoughts are becoming somewhat manic. I pass strangers on the street and think ‘That used to be me; I used to live that way.’ Yeah, still on Day One.
Upon arriving home, I sit dramatically and deliriously on my couch. I look at my dog Scout who has his head cocked and a bone in his mouth staring at me. I feel like one of those people in the Zoloft depression commercials, where the dog wants to play but the depressed person can’t and simply stares into the distance…
I’ve made my co-founder/sister Danielle think of non-food focused movies for me to watch that night, which shouldn’t include people eating or drinking or toasting or referring to sustenance of any kind for that matter. Then I remember TV shows. What are some I could get into during the cleanse? Here’s my breakdown:
Shows you think you can watch on a juice cleanse but WILL SEND YOU OVER THE EDGE:
Scandal: They barely eat, but one shot of Kerry Washington having red wine with popcorn unexpectedly sends a deprived juice cleanser into a tizzy. And no, putting beet juice in a wine glass DOESN’T work.
Breaking Bad: In your utter food desperation, breakfast and dinner with meth-maker Bryan Cranston’s family suddenly becomes strangely appealing.
Dexter: It sounds like a show that’s not centered on food, but serial killer Dexter eats ALL the time. Doughnuts, burritos, burgers…don’t go there.
Shows/Movies you CAN Watch on a Juice Cleanse:
The Devil Wears Prada. That’s all I’ve got for you. If you have more, report back.
By 7pm I have a horrifying headache and cheat with a smoothie after which I crawl weakly into bed to pass out. It’s okay; I’ll wake up rejuvenated.
I am not rejuvenated.
On the contrary, I wake up feeling flu like, the headache is still going and my back is killing me. When is that part juice cleansers talk about when you have the energy to run a 10k? I’m cheating with coffee today. I know it’s bad, but if you’re looking for the authentic process, go to GOOP.
My dog continues to stare at me like in the depression commercials. The only difference this morning is he’s looking less like a dog and more like a little pork chop, or a rack of lamb (NOTE, no dogs were harmed during the duration of this juice cleanse).
Julie Bowen’s Olive Garden commercial, why are you moving me so? I can barely stomach the juices today. After this, I’ll be writing off kale, parsley and romaine. I cheat with a Juice Press Strawberry Smoothie with Almond Butter. I’ve warned Danielle that no matter how much I cheat, she has to tell me at the end of this that “I’m glowing.” It’s vital for juice-cleanse-closure.
“On the side” was the theme for Day three. I think this is an underrated idea in the juice cleanse process. How about a juice on the side of what you’re eating? It’s going to make waves, I promise.
I had the first kale juice on the side of a bowl of granola. I know, and things were going so well…
Lunch is a business meeting at Cafe Gitane. How am I not supposed to have their avocado toast when Karlie Kloss told TNP it was ‘life-changing’ just a few months ago? It would be such an insult to Karlie. How could I do that to her? I had to take one for the team.
By dinner, no surprise, I’m just completely off the wagon. Or is it on the wagon? Either way, the wagon carrying this juice cleanse has toppled over, gone up in flames and by dinner I’m wining and dining. I hope I didn’t disappoint anyone. If there’s anything to learn from this, it’s that juice cleanses are not for the faint of heart. While I’ve always said I was going to try one – and full disclosure, have actually had a failed attempt before – I have a newfound, deep respect for all those who successfully do them periodically. That being said…I’ve given Danielle permission to slap me in the face if I ever bring up trying one again. Happy cleansing!
– Laura Kosann
*Photographed by Danielle Kosann